June 18th 2006
“Happy Father’s Day”
“What, the actual F**k?”
I presented the pregnancy test, beaming, the double line clearly announcing that I was pregnant. I had waited over 6 weeks knowing I was pregnant, until Fathers day, so I could make it extra special when I told M.
“No way? OMG that’s bloody brilliant” We rolled around on the bed, kissing, laughing. I was over the moon.
We were so happy that day, planning names, hoping it was a boy.
Making sure I had folic acid in the shopping trolley, rubbing my back…checking due dates, and planning for a future with our Son, Jacob David Frank. (JD for Jack Daniels, quite poignant in the coming months, year after). M was super affectionate, romantic, we had the scan date, a little later than expected at 14 weeks, both couldn’t wait to tell everyone, even though a few friends had sussed me out, as I was refusing alcohol…
I think it was the Thursday before the scan, our traditional sausage sandwich was ordered at work, and I was tucking into the first bite, I had an excruciating stabbing pain in my left side. Woah, that took my breath away. I felt a rush of heat come over me, instantly sweat dripping off my forehead, and projectile vomited in the ladies, collapsing onto the floor, rocking from side to side, with shooting pain crippling me. I checked for blood, panicking now that something was very wrong. I rang Tony, a guy at work in the next room, from the toilet, his wife was a midwife at the hospital.
“Tony I’m in toilet something is wrong, I’m 14 weeks pregnant, my first scan is in 3 days, something is wrong, come and help me” – Tony was amazing calling his wife, and getting me into a taxi, an ambulance would take too long apparently.
I was wheeled into reception, she met me there, and the rest is a blur. I think there was an ambulance drive to another A&E department at one point, I couldn’t stop crying. The sentence “Am I going to lose my baby” going unanswered.
The words haemorrhaging, possible ectopic, they wont know until they get inside. Blood transfusions were mentioned. I think there was a moment of them checking with an internal to see if the baby was in my womb, then people rushing around. I must have called M at some point, not sure how long it took, but he was there at one point I remember trying to get out of the wheelchair and passing out. They wheeled me into theatre pretty quickly.
I woke the next day, I think, it could have been the same day, in a private room, in the hospital, I had stiches either side of me, and in my belly button, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t sit up, I had staples across my abdomen, agony, a catheter in as well. They had had to do a caesarean. They couldn’t get into the right place with keyhole surgery, I knew that there was no baby, I knew he had gone. No one spoke about it. No one comforted me. A bitch of a nurse told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get myself to toilet, on the first day!
Every emotion screaming inside me, through the pain, what had I done wrong? Why didn’t he survive? We’ve had to remove some of your left tube. What the fuck did that mean? You can still conceive with your right tube. I had no clue what was going on, all I knew was that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, and in a lot of pain. I think I was in for 3 days, then discharged, they needed the room. I stumbled to the car with a pillow over my abdomen. Put the seatbelt on and was drive home. Comfortably Numb.
Jacob David Frank RIP 06/07/06 (Almost 16 years on, I’ll never forget that date)
My world changed from that point, after I had healed on the outside, I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Ovulation kits, IVF appointments, “Fuck me right now texts”, funny at first but they do wane after a while….checking the calendar for when I was due, and testing almost straight away if I was a day late, and crying uncontrollably for the whole day, every time I got my period. I must have been a nightmare, the fun quickly went out of our relationship.
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